You know it. Your girlfriends know it. Everyone around you can see the burden in your eyes. You wear the stress like a giant sign on your forehead that screams, “I’m miserable!!”
You feel it when you lie next to him at night. That sinking, hollow feeling in your chest when he hugs you. He says “I love you”, and you barely mumble the words back, desperate not to disappoint him but at the same time feeling the tremendous guilt for leading him on when you know that dreadful event is right around the corner. You have to tell him that it’s over. This is something you’ve been putting off for too long.
- How do you find the right words?
- Are you making the right decision?
- What if he cries?
- What if he gets mad or becomes violent?
- What if he begs?
- What will the kids think?
- How do you tell them?
It was eight months ago that my good friend of five years, Kristen, went through this heart wrenching ordeal.
Kristen was engaged to Jarrod, her boyfriend of about 18 months. They’d been engaged for about four months when things began to turn south. They were scheduled to get married in two months and many of the arrangements had already been made.
I began to notice that something was wrong when she was unusually somber during our bi-weekly girls afternoon out. For five years now, Kristen, two other girls and I have gone out every other Saturday for lunch and a movie. We were as close as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda were. Traditionally, it’s been a ritual that we’ve rarely broken. But Kristen has skipped the last two Saturdays for sketchy reasons and this particular afternoon she was anything but her normal, happy, chipper, funny self. Something was definitely up.
I waited until after the movie, when our friends left to try to find out what was bothering Kristen. She and I rode together in my car.
“Nothing. Everything’s fine,” she initially responded in a monotone, unconvincing voice as we got into my vehicle and left the Cineplex.
“Look. You’ve been avoiding us for several weeks, you didn’t laugh one single time in the movie or during lunch, and you hardly ate anything you ordered. I’ve known you long enough to know when something isn’t right. What’s going on?”
Kristen remained silent. I glanced over at her and saw her chin quivering as she tried to hold it together. Her eyes were already bloodshot as a tear rolled down her cheek.
“I don’t want to get married,” she finally uttered as she broke out into uncontrollable tears.
She felt guilty. She felt like she was the one who was being selfish and unreasonable by wanting to call the whole thing off. It wasn’t Jarrod’s fault that she realized that she didn’t love him like she thought she did. After all, she’s the one who said ‘yes’ when he proposed. She felt locked in.
I felt terrible for my good friend. Her whole life was flying 100 miles an hour toward a future she did not want. It was clear that her heart wasn’t in the right place. In the end, Kristen and I sat down and made a plan for her to break the news to first Jarrod, then her parents and family, then to the wedding hall and the caterers and the photographer and to everyone else who was involved with the wedding in one way or another. We discussed all the possible scenarios so she would have the confidence to know what to say and the courage to say it. When all the smoke cleared, a lot of people were disappointed but they understood. Jarrod was devastated, but even he agreed that they shouldn’t get married if she feels this way. Kristen realized that this was the best outcome – and that getting married because she felt it was ‘the right thing to do’ would have had far more disastrous consequences.
Today, Kristen is as happy as ever, and we’re sure glad to have her back for our Saturdays!!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
Kristen’s experience is far from unique. Millions of women go through this terrible ordeal every year and everyone will endure a breakup at some point in their life. Unfortunately, most people are terrible at breaking up and the consequences for doing it badly are devastating. Most of the time, the excessive pain and anguish caused by a bad breakup could easily be avoided. The moral of Kristen’s story is that you can and do deserve to be happy and you have the right to make the choices that are right for you. I want to empower you and give you the courage to do what’s necessary and what’s right, no matter how hard it may seem at first. After reading When He’s not a Keeper, you’ll know:
- The 10 biggest mistakes women make when breaking up with their boyfriend and how to avoid them
- How to channel your emotions to achieve a positive result
- What questions to ask yourself and others to clarify your feelings
- How to avoid the overwhelming anxiety over breaking up
- Whether you should try to remain friends and the proper technique for doing so
- How to be firm in your decision to end the relationship and overcome objections
- How to maintain your dignity and allow him to keep his
As a self respecting young woman, you owe it to yourself to have this information.
About six weeks after Kristen successfully ended her engagement, I received an email out of the blue from a complete stranger who turned out to be a co-worker friend of Kristen’s. Here is the email verbatim:
From: [address removed]
My name is Melanie and I got your email address from Kristen [last name removed]. I hope you don’t mind me writing but I really didn’t know what else to do. Kristen said you helped her end her relationship and that you gave her great advice and well I hope you can help me too.
I really don’t know how to say this but I have been in a relationship for four years. At first everything was great and we moved in together after about nine months. But about a year ago Ronnie lost his job and became very controlling and verbally abusive. Actually looking back, he’s been like this ever since we moved in together but it has gotten a lot worse lately. He got another job about six months ago but he still is drinking way too much and I am worried that he may become abusive physically. The problem is I love him and I don’t want to throw away all we have.
I am sorry to drop all this on you but Kristen said you really helped her and I don’t know what to do. I have a five year old son who lives with us and I can’t have him growing up around that.
Hope to hear from you soon.
As you can probably imagine, receiving that email was pretty disturbing. Although the email made the situation sound pretty urgent, I learned over the course of the following days just how much of a monster this Ronnie guy really was. As I got to know Melanie, I really started to worry about her and her son. The more we talked, the more I thought about her and about how I could help them out of this terrible situation. It turned out that Ronnie controlled everything from her paycheck to their sex life to her emotional well being. Everything had to be his way. And watch out if it wasn’t.
After talking on the phone and exchanging emails with me, Melanie decided that it wasn’t a good environment for her or her young son and she made the decision to move out and get away. She ultimately realized that she deserved better than to be mistreated and that her son needed to see that this isn’t the way a man should treat a woman. She deserved the chance to meet someone who would treat her and her son with the love and respect that she wanted.
The day after I received that first email was one our girls afternoon out Saturdays, and Kristen brought up the subject of Melanie and her relationship almost immediately. I told her that I’d do everything I could to help her out, but ultimately the burden of action was on her. She would have to be the one to find the strength to do what’s right for her. Kristen went on to tell me that she thought so much of the help I’d given her before, that she hoped that I could help Melanie too. I was flattered – but I just wanted to assist someone out of a desperate situation.
Melanie ended up taking her son and stayed temporarily with an aunt who lived an hour away. She was able to break the apartment lease that was in her name (she only lost her security deposit), and she got all of her belongings out. She was able to overcome the toughest part of breaking up and safely communicated to Ronnie that she was leaving and that the relationship was over. Together, Melanie and I created a plan – a step-by-step course of action to account for the many circumstances that had her in a constant state of anxiety. In the end, things turned out very well for Melanie and her son because she showed the courage to recognize a bad, potentially dangerous situation and took the time to make the decisions that would give her the best possible outcomes.
Once Melanie was safely secure and free from the shackles of her dismal relationship, she began to join us every other Saturday for our Girls Afternoon Out. This was only possible because she had been trapped in a life of oppression and intimidation and found a way out, and has found herself in the process. As a result of her bravery, her relationship with her son is the best it’s ever been and Melanie now enjoys a life full of friends and freedom that she was worried would never happen for her.
I know. There are a million things going through your head right now, including whether or not you should even end your relationship. There are many good reasons to break up and there are just as many legitimate reasons to stay. In reality, the only person who can answer that is you. But how do you know? Should you stay or not? It’s so hard. Fortunately, “When He’s not a Keeper” has a whole section dedicated to this very dilemma that is guaranteed to help you find the right choice in your heart, whatever that may be.
Testimonial goes here:
Whether your relationship is two months old or two years old, an engagement or a casual romance, whether there are kids involved or not, “When He’s not a Keeper” is THE essential guide for making one of life’s hardest choices. This enlightening, inspiring course is 31 chapters of life changing information and instruction for you and your long term happiness!! Because you deserve it!!
Part 1: Should I Stay or Should I go?
- When Your Frog Didn’t Turn into a Prince
- I love him, I love him not
- Is Love Enough?
- How to Tell if He’s Cheating
- When the Trust is Gone
- Fighting – Excessively or Moderately
- Violence Isn’t Golden – Recognizing Abuse: Both Physical and Mental
- Family and Kids
- The ‘Stay or Not’ Questionnaire
Part 2: Planning the Breakup – The Game Plan
- Making a Break-up List
- Executing the Game Plan
- Anticipating and Overcoming Objections
- Don’t Pack Lightly
- Where to Have ‘The Talk’
- Texting is for Toddlers, Phones are for Phonies
- Confronting a Cheater
- How to Tell the Kids
- Division of Mutual Property
- Division of Mutual Friends
- Making New Living Arrangements
- Anticipating a Temporary Lifestyle Change
- The Break-up List Worksheet
Part 3: The Aftermath
- The Grieving Process – What to do When the Ice Cream’s Gone.
- Rely on Your Friends – It’s Why You Have Them
- Freedom Sweet Freedom
- How to Survive the Inevitable Wave of Uncertainty
- Tricks to Remaining Guilt Free
- Sticking to Your Guns – How to Stay Strong When the Going Gets Rough
- Sex With the Ex? How About No!
- There’s Plenty of Fish
- When He Has a New Girlfriend
Testimonial goes here:
Breaking up badly can have disastrous consequences.
- Hurt feelings
These are just a few of the emotional reactions that can result from handling this delicate situation the wrong way. Fortunately, there is hope! When He’s not a Keeper will enlighten you and teach you how to prepare for the many different scenarios that you’ll potentially be faced with. Your feelings of worry, despair and anxiety will be replaced with confidence, self esteem and empowerment to take control of your breakup and move on with your life.
P.S. This comprehensive guide is the culmination of years of dating and relationship experience combined with countless hours interviewing and assisting numerous young women both online and offline in their romantic endeavors. I truly believe that this course will change the way you look at relationships and make you more confident and secure in the process.
P.P.S. In fact, I am so certain that you’ll be completely satisfied with When He’s not a Keeper, that I encourage you to try it for 30 days risk free. If for any reason you feel that the product was not a great value for your money, I promise to promptly refund your money – no questions asked!